Only True 90s Kids Remember These Disasters

First Congo War

The First Chechen War

Kosovo War

Rwandan Genocide

The Gulf War

The Taliban Take Control Of Afghanistan

Somali Civil War

The Second Congo War

The Second Chechen War

Chris Gaines

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Cheese Pairings For Bouts Of Loneliness

 Your Parents Went On Vacation Without You

You’re an adult so it’s normal that your parents call less frequently and even stop sending you money. However, some parents are extremely inconsiderate and will leave their adult child with their own busy life behind. You will wait for your father to send you itinerary details before realizing that they have left without you. Take solace and eat this mozzarella cheese. It will remind you of the Friday nights in 1998 when mom would bring Dominos home and cared about you.
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Your Boyfriend Hasn’t Responded To Your Text In Five Years

Staring at your phone will not make him text you faster. The message went through and now you are left wondering if you frightened him off by sending three texts in a row. Perhaps, he has a found a partner with less crippling IBS. Maybe, he died at sea.  No matter, eat this Limburger cheese that smells like the foot of a man who loves you.

You Fell Down A Manhole

If only you were looking down instead of walking confidently with your head up. Alas, you fell in a manhole. In a perfect world people would hear your screams for help but we don’t live in that world. No one can hear your wails or they are just choosing to ignore you. In any event, best to accept your demise and enjoy this string cheese pack. The flavor of this cheese is just as artificial as your hope but pulling the little strings down will be comforting.

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